A Past That Rears Its Ugly Head Every Now And Then

Hi all

I thought I'd like to just get down to some nitty gritty shit that continually makes me put everything else in perspective.

On the week of 9/11 way back in 2001 I spent the entire beginning of that week with my head glued to a TV channel, probably CNN, probally Fox News. I forget exactly, but that week was etched in my head, as it was for everyone else. It made me look at my own happy family, with my two children and my beautiful wife. I was content and secure, thankful that we hadn't lost anyone, as many of those in the world had. In fact, I remember hugging my wife, and her leaning back into me and hugging me back. Little did I know there was a terrible secret she was keeping from me.

Back in 1999 we, my partner and I, had decided we wanted another child. The house we had was two small, but we had a massive backyard, and decided we would use some of this area to extend the house out. I drew up plans for a family room, a fourth bedroom, and an ensuite, and balcony.

I wasn't a builder nor an architect, so we had to hire a Project Manager who for a reasonable quote had taken on the job. The man appeared experienced, friendly and an all right good guy. He was about 20 years older than both my wife and myself.

Work commenced on the extension in about August of 1999, it was going to be a cold winter with a wall to our house exposed to the Australian winter in the Blue Mountains.

Meanwhile I worked nearby on a rotating roster, caring for developmentally disabled people in a group home. The work involved morning, afternoon and day shifts. My wife was at home looking after our beautiful, smart and funny 2 n 1/2 year old daughter. Due to this, most of the interactions, regarding the building process, occurred between my wife and the Project Manager.

My daughter was back then and still is everything to me. Everything seemed good for us, well i thought it was good.

Till that Xmas arrived.

Every Xmas we would alternate between going to my parents or to my wife's parents for Xmas Day. This was due mainly to how far our parents lived away from where we were living. However on the Xmas of 1999, when we were spose to be travelling down to my parents, my wife informed me she had been asked to go out with the Project Manager and his wife to sail on Sydney Harbour n watch the Maxi Yaughts set out for the Sydney-Hobart regatta. I was a litlle upset that she would spend Xmas away from both my daughter and myself as we headed down to my parents in Canberra, voiced my opinion, and was told it was just too good an opportunity to miss out on.

I set off down to my parent's with my daughter in the back of the car excited about Xmas and Santa coming, but with my sixth sense ticking over, as i drove the 4 hour drive down to their place- something just wasnt right.

My thoughts in my head revolved around my wife having an affair, but the absurdity of the relationship I had ticking over in my head just didn't work out logically. There was such a major gap in their ages and she was going out with his wife, as well, on this cruise on Sydney Harbour. It was just rediculous to have these thoughts, after all the trip they went on was just a cruise on the harbour. But the nagging thing in the back of my head was that this was the first Xmas we were seperately spending apart from one another, and there was my daughter who was just starting to acknowledge everything going on in her life.....

A private chat with my parents about all this just lead to "Don't be silly! She's just out on a cruise with his wife and him!! She loves you!! She wouldn't have an affair on you!! You're overreacting!!"

This just left me thinking I was just stupid for ever having these thoughts, so after a day or so at my parents my daughter and I returned back home, and we continued as a family unit getting along with the every day mundane of raising a young child (if you can ever call raising a child mundane lol) and paying a mortgage and doing family things. The relationship between my wife and the guy was just taken as a good friendship, with some common interests, and nothing more. . .

In February of 2000 after the extension had been completed my wife fell pregnant, and in October of that year we had a little boy. I was so happy to have both a little girl and a little boy, and spent a lot of time with them both, attending to their needs and playing with them. We were a happy little family, the four of us, but every now and then my wife would just break down crying. I became concerned for her health thinking she might have post-natal depression, and supported her due to this, by seeing Doctors and helping out with all the chores in the house, letting her have time to relax and spend time with my daughter, such as letting them go out for day trips and such, just to break the monotony of being home whilst I was off at work.

As the little boy started getting towards being almost a year old, I had asked several times when we were going to baptise him. However, we hadn't as yet received his birth certificate, which I had kept asking my wife what we should do about this over the year, as generally this was handled in the hospital along with all the other paperwork, and my concerned was Birth Deaths & Marriages must have made an error with sending out the certificate.

However on the week of 9/11 everything took a major bizarre turn. As I have stated earlier, I hugged my wife and my kids throughout the week, thankful to God that we were still all here as a family.

It was on that Saturday after that horrible start to the week that my life took a dive for the worse.

I went off to work that morning, with a hug and a kiss from my wife, and both my kids, I returned home that evening to an empty house.

The only thing left lying around out of place was a letter sitting on the table addressed to me in my wife's handwriting. I walked over to it thinking nothing more than the fact that it was a note to say they had gone out, and would be back later..... but as I read on my heart just fell apart into little pieces.....

It read that my suspicions were right, that indeed my wife had been haing an affair with this guy 20 years older than her, that she no longer was in love with me, and had set up a little home for her and the kids with him. That she would organise for me to spend any amount of time with my daughter...but there was no mention of time with both the kids. There was no indication of where they had gone, or how to contact them, and when I tried her mobile...it went to message bank.

I finally about 6 hours later received a phone call from my wife, it was a very emotional conversation that took place, one which went from emotions of love, to hate, to dispair to betrayal, cycling over n over, with lots of tears and stern curse words.

But during it I asked why wasn't I too see the boy. the reply back was a simple "he isn't yours!". My heart just went from broken pieces to shattered crumbled gravel. Her new lover, a man of two failed marriages before, was categorically denying any contact. They had confirmed the boy wasn't mine way back in July, four months prior to all of this occurring.

The only reason any of this ever happened too, by the way, was not due to them, but his wife at the time, having found out, and who was determined to let me know the real truth of what was going on.

It was the lowest part of my life I have ever experienced. I had lost not only the woman I had put my whole existence into, but both children I thought I had, with one I will never watch grow even after we bonded for a year, which basically at the time felt like he had died to me.

However.... you do what you can to make life perfect for these kids you bring into this world. As much as I was hurting, as much as I hated my wife, there was still one grounding factor in my life that kept me sane!

My daughter

Its been a while since this has all happened, and every day my daughter has been a part of my life. Although I did try to have total custody of her, which failed because the court system would not let two children under the age of 5 be seperated, and besides the two of them did have a good relationship, and still do to this day.

I may be a part time father in the physical way, having actual contact with her every second weekend, I have always been there for her when she wanted me to be there. I've alos ,aintained constant telephone communiactaions with her, and never failed to pay the child support thats been asked of me, and even at times gone beyond supporting her financially as well. AND for this I have seen my child grow into a beautiful young teen, excelling in her classes, at sports and at music, developing good social skills and a great self esteem and a good group of friends.

BUT what really pisses me off .... is fathers who do not do this! Who let the hurt of what happened in the relationship with their ex envelop that of their children. Who selfishly don't give their time or their money to help raise these children. Who drag them into the fights with their ex's. Who make false promises to these children, only to not carry through with them, leaving the child feeling insignificant.

I tell you MEN wake up to yourselves! You may have seperated from your children, you may hate your ex for the affair, you may have turned your back on the family, you may be the victim, or you may be the perpetrator! Dont undermine the love of a child for you, whatever the case, because to them, you are the single most important male figure in their life, and in times to come when your children grow old, do you want them to ignore you when you need them

NO MATTER WHAT MAY HAVE HAPPENED IN YOUR MARRIAGE YOU ARE STILL THE PARENT!! ACT ACCORDINGLY!! PARENTING IS NOT A PRIVLEDGE ITS A RESPONSIBILITY!!